Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.