7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Super Hand Dog Face
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.