I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?