stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
#Caturday
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.