me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.