The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
It was worth a shot 😂
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF