Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
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I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,