Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
This is a whole mood;
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
New Tinder profile.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.