Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
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[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
my dad has had enough
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.