I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Meow
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks