That’s a good costume, I hope.
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911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The game has officially changed 😎
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Everyone’s family
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped