“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
You Might Also Like
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family