One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
🌱🌱🌱
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Finally, an explanation.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money