It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
i hope my email finds you on fire
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Oh my god
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.