Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Rich people don’t understand cereal
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.