Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.