when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Software Development ⛵️
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.