There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.