… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay