When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
new shirt idea
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit