Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Raisins are grape jerky.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
At least try to make it slightly believable
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”