Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
They got a point!
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.