[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You Might Also Like
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.