A Match(.com), but for socks.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air