Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
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20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
wtf management?!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.