Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Husband of the year 😂
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.