gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
motivation
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.