[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
You Might Also Like
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My Guy
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”