Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.