HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot