Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor