I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above