Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Finally!
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”