ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.