dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]