Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.