I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
You Might Also Like
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*launders Kohls cash*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
asked my bf how work was today
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Good news