There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
goldfish mafia
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.