Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago