HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
You Might Also Like
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.