That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
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step 6: release the wall snake
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.