can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.