To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.