If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic