Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit