I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
shut up and take my money
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.