Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.