Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I don’t know what to do
I’m not stressed
Close call…
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.