MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
this is me
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?