9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!